Dating a man with kids: what to expect and how to make it work

Have you ever found yourself falling for an amazing man, only to discover that he has got kids from a previous relationship? Dating someone with kids may feel like stepping into uncharted territory. That’s because traditional dating rules are no longer applicable to your relationship (American Psychological Association - Making stepfamilies work). Every romantic gesture you make would navigate around school pickups, bedtime stories, and the complex emotions of little hearts.

Dating someone with a kid doesn’t have to be scary. You just need to know how to make your relationship work. Read this guide and we will share more details on it.

The unique challenges of dating a man with kids

When dating a guy with kids, you need to understand that you aren’t just dating an individual. You are venturing into becoming a part of an established family system. Hence, dating someone with kids requires flexibility, understanding, and patience.

The parent that you date has his own responsibilities and priorities. They have existed long before you entered the picture. Hence, the needs of his children may often take precedence over your romantic plans.

"Trust is established as partners ask and answer the question, "Can I count on you?" and then answer "Yes" with both conviction and consistency."

Dr. John Gottman

Psychologist, relationship researcher

If you don’t have children on your own, things can become even more challenging. That’s because you will have to make significant adjustments to your schedule to accommodate the schedule of your partner. Weekend plans you make can get canceled due to an illness of a child.

Welcome to parenting logistics: the calendar is always in pencil, even when you swear you wrote it in ink.

Or else, romantic dinners could get interrupted by homework help. On top of everything, those romantic spontaneous getaways could become nearly impossible during the custody periods.

Benefits of dating someone with kids

Even if there are numerous challenges that you have to face when dating a divorced man with kids, you can still find a few benefits. Let's take a look at a few.

• If you are open to dating someone with a kid, you will be making yourself open to a larger dating pool. This is something that you will need to keep in mind, especially if you want to date someone above 30.
• Men who have kids are more emotionally mature than others. This doesn’t mean that every dad could be an emotionally mature individual. However, there’s a high possibility that the experience of parenthood had created a positive effect on his communication, empathy, and emotional control.
• Parents tend to excel at time-management. This will make your life easy as he will try to get everything done as planned.
• In most instances, you will notice that you enjoy the duties of being a parent than you expected. It all depends on the age of the kids, but you will be able to take part in numerous fun activities. Watching soccer games, enjoying animated movies, and going to a family theme park are just a few examples.

Red flags when dating a man with a child 

With all the benefits mentioned above, you would like the idea of dating a divorced man with a kid. However, you should also be mindful of the red flags. Let’s take a look at them.

He introduces you to the kids too early.

You may like the idea of getting introduced to the kids at an early stage of the relationship. However, you need to view this as a red flag.

“It's best to wait a long time before you introduce a new person into your children's lives, particularly if they are teens or younger. They need time to digest the divorce - a year is a good measure.”

Irene S. Levine

Psychologist

You just started dating him, and you never know if the relationship will work out. Hence, introducing you can make the kids confused or stressed out. Instead, he should take some time to get to know you before introducing you to the kids.

He is maintaining close contact with his ex.

It’s fine for a guy to maintain contact with his ex, but he should be aware of the boundaries. You need to closely see what type of relationship he is maintaining with his ex. For example, what if his ex is coming over to the house unannounced? What if she is calling him throughout the night? These are red flags you need to be mindful of.

He badmouths his ex

This is one of the obvious red flags that you should be aware of. If things didn’t work out well in his previous relationship, it’s completely fine to be mad. But he shouldn’t talk badly about the ex. In some instances, he may even talk badly about the kids. If you see any such negativity, you should decide to walk out of his life.

He treats you unfairly by using his kid as an excuse.

Dating a man with kids and feeling left out is quite common that many women experiences. It’s perfectly fine to cancel plans due to the responsibilities of his child. But what if that is happening too often? What if he is forgetting important milestones or details of your life, just because of his kid? This is a red flag that indicates you should think twice.

He expects you to play the childcare role.

Did he ask you to play the childcare role early in the relationship? This could be a red flag as well. When you are getting closer to him, you are supposed to take on more responsibilities. But what if he is giving new responsibilities to you, without you even asking for them? It is a red flag to walk out of the relationship.

You don't get along well with his kids.

This is the biggest red flag of all. Dating someone with a disrespectful child can lead you to continuous stress. Are you ready to deal with that emotionally for the next few years? If not, you should walk out. The guy you date should teach his children how to respect you. But if that is not happening, you must step out.

How to make things work when dating a man with kids?

These dating a divorced man with kids red flags will help you get an idea of what to be aware of. Along with that, it is worth knowing what things you can possibly do to make the relationship work. Here are some tips to keep in mind.

Respect the parent-child bond

When dating someone with kids, you need to respect his primary role as a parent. When he says that he needs to do something for his kids, you should show your understanding. But this doesn’t mean that you should never express your needs. Just make sure that you approach these conversations with an understanding of their parental responsibilities.

Be flexible

When dating a divorced man with a kid, it is essential to be flexible. A parent who shares custody will always prioritize kids and you need to accept it. Then you can increase the chances of making your relationship work out as well.

Always be ready to deal with last-minute changes. This is where you need to understand that the needs of children will often come first. Then you can discover creative ways to spend quality time.

Respect the parenting style and boundaries

You should refrain from jumping in as a parental figure to the relationship.

Being supportive doesn’t require a title. Sometimes it just requires snacks and good timing.

You may do it at a later stage, but not during the initial stages of the relationship. Instead, you need to be open to new parenting and partner experiences. You will also need to recognize that the way you handle things may not be how he will do it. It’s their child and they know the family dynamics better than you.

Practice patience

Good things always take time. This is why you need to respect the boundaries that he will have with his kids. You should be careful not to rush the process. Instead, build a relationship with patience and understanding. It will allow the connections to develop at their own pace.

“Be patient and try not to react with anger if your stepchild gives you the cold shoulder or is a little impolite sometimes.”

Terry Gaspard

Licensed therapist (msw, licsw), author

How to manage expectations and communications when dating someone with a child?

Communications play a major role when dating someone with kids. Here are some tips that you can follow to manage both expectations and communications when dating someone with kids.

Set realistic timelines

When dating a divorced man with kids, you are settling yourself into another family. Hence, you need to consider this as a gradual process and set up realistic expectations. Initial meetings you have with him will be brief. You can expect them to be somewhat formal as well.

Along with time, you can build trust and comfort. However, this process could take months, instead of weeks. That’s because children need more time to observe and assess. By giving it enough time, you will be able to warm up to new people in their lives.

“Research tells us that, for many children, becoming a stepfamily is harder and takes more time, than divorce.”

Patricia l. Papernow

Psychologist, stepfamily expert

Have open communication with him

Dating a man with kids and feeling left out could happen when you don't maintain open communication. This is why it is important to put some effort into maintaining honest and open communications.

You can discuss more about the role that you play in the lives of his children. Moreover, you can also discuss the boundaries around discipline and decision-making. It is important to be aware of how to handle challenging situations when you are involved with kids. You need to have similar ongoing conversations as children grow up.

Accept the complex reality

All relationships with parents ultimately come down to accepting that there will be a big, happy unconventional family. Hence, this type of relationship can feel overwhelming to you. You need to accept that emotional variability is completely normal. It wouldn’t indicate that there will be problems within the relationship. If you can accept the reality, you can deal with things in a much better way.